Ruins

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I wanted to look at you today
But I was too afraid.
Afraid that you would
See through me.
Afraid that you would see
How my heart swells at the sight of you
And every cell of me hums with hope.
And longing.
Scared I would meet your eyes
And that you would see the need in mine
But that I would find nothing stirred in yours.

I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel anything.
It’s too risky.
I’ve been here before
Time and again.
My heart still has the scars to show
And it trembles now with vulnerability.

But still a dauntless hope whispers:
Perhaps, you’re different
Perhaps you won’t mind that I’m not beautiful
And maybe, if I love you hard enough
You’d be able to forgive my face
for the sake of my heart.

I’d made peace with my solitude.
Mostly.
But, somehow
The light of you has found a crack in the foundation
And the wall has begun to fracture.
Perhaps it was in that moment
When I could see your reflection in the glass
You
Standing just behind me
Smiling
Your eyes alight.
The picture now a memory tucked away in my heart.

I know now that there is nothing I can do
But stand and watch the wall crumble.
I’ve rebuilt it before
Stone after stone.
I want so much to watch it fall
And never have to rebuild it again
I would rejoice in its ruins.

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