Awakening

Posted in Uncategorized on 08/22/2016 by Jess

So lately I’ve been experiencing some personal growth.  I’m learning to be nicer to myself and to appreciate my own strengths and weaknesses.  I’m learning to take risks and feeling more connected with the world around me.  I’m learning to live in the moment and not get so caught up in what might happen tomorrow.  Everything comes in its own time.  I’ll be writing her more frequently.  I’m trying to make it a point to write poetry at least daily.  I enjoy it and sometimes I’m not half bad at it. So here’s to new beginnings and growth and pushing boundaries.

For Pa Pa

Posted in Reflections on 11/09/2014 by Jess

This is a poem I wrote years ago (1998 or 1999) in memory of my grandfather. For Christmas in 2006, I printed the poem and gave it to my little sister, my cousins and my grandmother as gifts. I didn’t mean to make everyone cry that year, but I did. They were tears of remembrance and of kindredness. He loved all of us and we loved him. We still do.

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I loved his smile,
with or without his teeth,
And how he would chase us
from room to room
With them sparkling in his palm.
Each room
We filled with laughter;
His toothless grin
making us laugh harder.

I loved how he made the day
Last forever
And how he was willing to crawlpapasmile
on his hands and knees for hours
While we rode on his back
And fed him
Just “A Few” Invisible Oats.
Or how he healed us
with magical bacon bits
and a cardboard hospital bed
when we suffered from an
imaginary illness.
And tickle our feet with
His bristly salt and pepper hair.

I Loved Him.


Ruins

Posted in Uncategorized on 11/02/2014 by Jess

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I wanted to look at you today
But I was too afraid.
Afraid that you would
See through me.
Afraid that you would see
How my heart swells at the sight of you
And every cell of me hums with hope.
And longing.
Scared I would meet your eyes
And that you would see the need in mine
But that I would find nothing stirred in yours.

I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel anything.
It’s too risky.
I’ve been here before
Time and again.
My heart still has the scars to show
And it trembles now with vulnerability.

But still a dauntless hope whispers:
Perhaps, you’re different
Perhaps you won’t mind that I’m not beautiful
And maybe, if I love you hard enough
You’d be able to forgive my face
for the sake of my heart.

I’d made peace with my solitude.
Mostly.
But, somehow
The light of you has found a crack in the foundation
And the wall has begun to fracture.
Perhaps it was in that moment
When I could see your reflection in the glass
You
Standing just behind me
Smiling
Your eyes alight.
The picture now a memory tucked away in my heart.

I know now that there is nothing I can do
But stand and watch the wall crumble.
I’ve rebuilt it before
Stone after stone.
I want so much to watch it fall
And never have to rebuild it again
I would rejoice in its ruins.

My Truth

Posted in Reflections on 09/21/2013 by Jess

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I know that I am not the kind of girl that people find beautiful.

I’m not an eye catcher or a head turner and I doubt that I could ever level anyone with my eyes or take someone’s breath away.

I don’t believe that I am particularly interesting.  My life is somewhat boring.

What I do know is that my heart is as big as the ocean and it is a shame that it is being wasted.  I’m funny and easy going and not too hard to please.  I am loyal and creative.  I love with all of me.

I love laughing and practical jokes; art and music. Animals soothe me.  I love words and poetry and good stories. 

I believe that all children should have enchanted childhoods filled with magic and adventure and wonder and love.

Despite our short comings, I believe in the good in all of us.  Even if it is a small good, it can still push out the darkness. If we let it.

Fire Rainbow

Posted in Reflections on 10/09/2010 by Jess

I had completely forgotten about seeing this until I was scanning through some of my photo’s tonight.   About three years ago I was at a convention in Savannah and was killing time surfing the net in between sessions.  I’m not exactly sure how I got around to reading about circumhorizontal arcs (fire rainbows).  Sometimes my internet surfing is like stream of conscious writing, especially since I have ADD and I have no idea what so ever got me around to that, but regardless, I found it interesting and was reading away.

Fire rainbows are the rarest optical phenomenon (or halo) that occur when sunlight is refracted through ice crystals in cirrus clouds.  The rainbow appears within the cloud giving it a firey/feather appearance.  The day after my impromptu education on circumhorizontal arcs I happened to see this on the drive home.  Now, I’m not too sure how rare they are seen in this area I know that there are only a certain number of hours per year that they sun reaches the necessary angle in the sky (usually in the summer I think) but regardless, I saw one in September 2007 on the way home from Savannah.  I just found it neat that I had just read about them the day before.

This fire rainbow is by no means as large or impressive as some of the other photo’s I’ve seen, but its pretty neat anyway.  Its my fire rainbow.  To me it was just a reminder of how everything that happens to us in life has a purpose.  We don’t always have to know the reasons or answers at the time that things happen.  But, I find that just knowing that everything that happens to us is moving us along to where we are meant to be in life brings me peace.

The Little Things

Posted in Reflections on 09/22/2010 by Jess

Isn’t it funny how little things can remind you of someone.  The other day I stopped by McDonald’s on the way home from work and ordered a hot fudge sundae.  It reminded me of my friend Jordan and how when he lived in the apartment down stairs from mine, we would make midnight McDonald’s runs or how he would just come up to my place when he needed to talk sometimes.  Anytime I see anything be-speckeld, I think of Jeff and his crazy, speckled fraternity paddle.  It was befitting of his random, spontaneous personality.  Songs remind me of friends too.  If I hear anything Weezer, I automatically think of my friend Holly.  We rocked out to Weezer’s blue album in middle and high school.  She loved Green Day too and her Dookie T-shirt.  Dave Matthews and Birkenstocks remind me of my Big Bro Rob.  Riding around in his Green Jeep, Dave Matthews playing almost constantly, his black and white fan air freshners spinning away.  Slamming on breaks or almost running red lights make me think of the Spaz (Andy).  We did that a lot which often resulted in him screaming at the top of his lungs and taking on an uncharacteristic southern accent.  I think Rachel experienced this with us a couple of times.  Walking in the rain reminds me of James and the time that he helped me search for my keys on north campus in the midst of a monsoon.  A roll of toilet paper sitting on top of the holder, makes me think of Miguel and the time he accidentally knocked the whole roll in the toilet and he and Irby had to fish it out with a coat hanger.  Cake icing makes me think of Phil and the time I smushed it all over his face.

There are so many moments and memories that I could go on forever really.  If you aren’t mentioned above don’t think that there aren’t little things that make me think of you.  I guarantee you that there is something that brings your face to mind and the warm feelings of friendship and love that I will forever have for you.  If you want to know just ask.

I say all of this to say that everyone that comes into our lives becomes a part of us.  They are always with us, no matter where we go or what we do in life.  We are forever connected regardless of whether we talk everyday, years apart, or never gain.  You all mean the world to me and I love you.

Animal House

Posted in Pets/Animals on 09/15/2010 by Jess

Currently, there are 4 dogs and 3 cats (not to mention 3 humans) living in my house.  At times it is quite insane, but for the most part things generally go pretty smoothly.  I recently moved back in with my parents and their 2 dogs, due to my house entering foreclosure, and brought with me my brood of 5 fuzzy, four-legged children.  I don’t know that I ever intended to have 5 pets (all spayed and neutered).   I most certainly had no intention of having 3 cats.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love kitties.  I’ve just always seen myself as a definite “dog person.”  I’d like to think that my feline babies came into my life to help me realize that I’m not just a dog or cat person.  I’m an animal person.

I’ve often heard that we don’t choose our pets, they choose us.  I couldn’t agree more.  Of the 5 animals I have, only one of them was actually sought for.  The rest have come to be with me by chance (or fate or divine intervention…however you see it).  I believe that animals come into our lives for a purpose, just as people do.  I love that each of them has their own quirky personality.  Here is our current cast of four-legged characters:

Sunny

Sunny is my heart.  She is a sweet beagle (and who knows what else) mix that I adopted from the Athens-Clarke County Animal Shelter when she was approximately 5 weeks old (She’s 4.5 years old now). She is a very smart and funny girl who is convinced that the broom is an animate object.

Prince (aka Peet)

Peet is my snuggle bug.  He is a yappy, chihuahua mix that thinks he is a bull mastiff. I got him from a friend who rescued him from the side of the road in July of 2008 (he was about 4 months old).  I’ve had him for about 2 years now.

Buddy

Buddy is my wittle bwudda.  He’s a rough and tumble Boston Terrier.  Momma and Daddy got him from a friend that needed a good home for him and have had him for about 3 years.  He’s his daddy’s boy (and snores like him too).

Kelsie

Kelsie is my sweet heart.  She’s as much my dog as she is my momma and daddy’s.  Kelsie thinks that she’s everybody’s momma. She is a beautiful Shepherd mix.  She showed up as a stray at the house during my Freshman year of college.  She is at least 11 years old.

Roo

Roo is my independent girl.  She was born on my bedroom floor on October 22, 2007.  She is a tortie point Siamese Mix and kind of looks like she’s been playing in white paint. She comes to me when I sing to her.

Welfare

Welfare (he came with that name) is my vocal boy.  He came with my house (or former house rather) when I bought it in 2007.  He is at least 4 years old, but could be older than 13.  He is a very sweet boy that never hesitates to tell me when he wants something.

Creepy (aka Bill)

Creepy (recently dubbed Bill by my daddy) is my diamond in the rough.  I started taking care of him in February of 2009 when he showed up at my house in serious need of medical attention.  A brawler in his tomcat days (he has the scars to show for it), Bill has turned into quite the easy going fella since he has parted ways with “the boys.”

Creepy is the newest addition to the family.  Initially I had no intention of keeping him an had planned to take him to the animal shelter until I learned that he has FIV.  Had I taken him to the shelter (luckily they were closed the day he showed up), he would have been euthanized because of his FIV, since they struggle to find homes for the droves of healthy cats that come through their doors each year, and I don’t know that I could have dealt with that knowledge.  I would have felt directly responsible for his death.  For a while I had to play musical cats because Creepy was very territorial and would attack the other cats (FIV is spread from cat to cat through penetrating bite wounds).  After he was neutered, he calmed down some, but continued to exhibit territorial behavior towards other male cats (Welfare in particular).  Amazingly, after moving in with my parents, he and Welfare are getting along fine.  I truly feel that he was meant to be a part of our family.